So, I’ve been around funerals for 55 years.  My earliest recollection of a “funeral” goes back to when I was five years old and my parents and older brother went to Grandma’s “funeral” and I stayed home with a sitter.  To this day I can remember thinking “What is a funeral?” and “Why am I left at home?”

Growing up in a funeral service family it wasn’t long after that that I learned about “funerals” and dad having to go “make arrangements”.  I then put in about 35 years working as a funeral director so I now have some semblance of what a funeral can accomplish for those who are mourning and how by “directing” families in their thought process can pay dividends to them down the road.

I’ve learned the saying, “A funeral is an event that no one is invited to, but every one is welcome to attend.”  I truly believe that statement and used it in advising families to have a public funeral or memorial ceremony as compared to a private service that they thought was “best for them”.  Most of the time, families thanked me for persuading them to have that public service as more often than not, they met someone or learned something about their loved one that was beneficial and meaningful to them only because of someone who attended the public service.

As a matter of fact, when I was talking about this subject Monday at coffee, I told a friend “I’ve seen ex-in-laws come to visitations and funerals when no one thought of them being there”.  More often or not the conversation went something like this. . . “Bill, I never thought I would see you here” and Bill would respond, “Your sister and I certainly had our problems, but your dad was always fair and kind to me anyway and I felt it only right to pay my respects to him.”

I saw things like that hundreds of times in my career and that presence and thoughtfulness of that moment is the intersection where healing began for many.  It was like the funeral was created for that moment.

Which brings me to my point that saddened me about the funeral services for Sen. John McCain.  I was saddened by the fact that the McCain family, maybe on pre-instructions of the deceased, inferred that the President of the United States was not welcome.  Even at his best, our current President is “rough around the edges” and “derogatory to many”, however, we don’t really know the feeling that is in his heart.  Maybe he regrets some of what he has said about Sen. McCain over the years.  We just don’t know.

What I do know is that by excluding some from the funeral services – when we don’t know what is in their hearts – does not allow them to come to that intersection of shared healing with the family that they, or the family,  may need.  It is not in the best interests of our family, of our community, or of our country to not be given that chance.

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