Remember when you were younger and wanted something. . . .but mom or dad said you could not have it?  Did it make you more determined to want whatever that item was?

Over the long holiday weekend I saw a couple of items in the news that made me think of that long lost feeling.  And, the items I saw mentioned pertained to the funeral or memorial business that we all are part of.

If you have been a funeral director for any length of time you have had a client family say something like this to you, “Just take grandpa back to the mortuary and have him cremated.  We will stop by for the remains in a few days.”  Well, you probably had to tell the clientele that it isn’t quite that easy. . . . there are forms to sign, an identification process, and some other hoops to jump through, but, yes you can pretty much satisfy their request.

Nothing is said of any type of service and if you suggest it as a possibility they quickly shoot down the idea and say something to the effect that one will not be needed.  Now, this family has had the opportunity to select a service or memorial and simply chooses not to do so.  Nothing wrong with that. . . .that’s their prerogative.

One of the interesting things that I have found with families who went without some type of service is that they don’t know what they missed.  However, some families really thought over what was missed and then wished they had done something to celebrate the life that was lived. . .and, all too rarely, a family will arrange a delayed ceremony to try to recover that “missed” feeling.

We are learning all too often that that procedure is what happens more and more in the growing world of DCNS (Direct Cremation No Service) death care.

Tom Anderson
Funeral Director Daily

Contrast that with the feelings that some are now getting after they have been told “You cannot have an in-person service”.  During the Covid-19 pandemic that denial happened over and over and this recent article from the Toronto Star entitled “The unfinished business of a deferred funeral” relates a family’s emotions as they await the day that they can celebrate the life of Bernie Lyons, Jr. who died last December but has not had a service yet.  Like the child who could not have his toy, “Did the initial denial confirm a resolve by this family to eventually have a service?  Have they played the celebration service through in their minds over these past six months and realize what they are missing?”

Or what about this article and video news story about Howard Melinsky of Howard Lake, Minnesota.  A United States soldier, Melinsky has been missing in action since 1944 in Italy.  Recently, an Italian farmer came across his dog tags on his property and was able to return them to Melinsky’s Minnesota relatives.  The relatives hope that it may lead to finding his body which can then be returned to the family grave site in Minnesota.  They, too, have probably played over in their minds what the service would be like and they would like to hold that community service for Mr. Melinsky.

Does being denied a service, much like being denied that toy by mom and dad, stir a burning desire to eventually have that service?  Does it make you think of what you may be missing?  I don’t know if that is a reality or just a thought process by me.  However, as we move into the next six months of 2021 almost all funeral homes will come up on anniversaries of pandemic timed deaths (both covid and non-covid) at their funeral homes.  Depending on where you are located and the timing of the death with social distancing rules, I’m guessing that there are families that you served who may have that desire for an in-person community service that they were previously denied?

I think it will be good for you as a business and even better for the families that you served to make sure that you touch base with each and every one of those families to find out.

More news from the world of Death Care:

• Portsmouth funeral home in trouble:  Chemicals and personal files open to vandals.  Scotio County Daily News (OH)
• 150 Years of Perham – The legacy of a funeral home.  Perham Focus (MN)
• Concord airport terminal gets named after city’s longest serving council member.  Independent Tribune (NC)

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